


Evening Star

by meiqis



Category: Produce 101 (TV), 우주소녀 | Cosmic Girls | WJSN
Genre: Angst, F/F, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-22
Updated: 2018-05-22
Packaged: 2019-05-10 07:46:59
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,188
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14732864
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/meiqis/pseuds/meiqis
Summary: When small, it was all so easy, being carefree running around, not caring about heritage and money and influence, only playing around, sharing their drinks and cake and maybe Yamy should have stopped in time, should have realized sooner than this very painful moment.





	Evening Star

**Author's Note:**

> kind of altered [this](https://twitter.com/meilovemeiqi/status/996074655797653505?s=20) prompt into a sappy heartbreak story

When small, it was all so easy, being carefree running around, not caring about heritage and money and influence, only playing around, sharing their drinks and cake and maybe Yamy should have stopped in time, should have realized sooner than this very painful moment.

She should have realized when they met at the playground, both hardly tall enough to have their chin above the level of dining tables, still just half the size of grown ups, the kind of children that would have not slept in kindergarten because they weren’t sleepy enough were now also fooling around all afternoon long, meeting up and yelling in joy, blowing bursting bubbles and trying to catch them, the very fact that Meiqi wasn’t like her. Yamy who would show up on her own while Meiqi was accompanied by that nanny and that nanny and then yet another nanny, always changing but all behaving well, Yamy who had brought along maybe a bottle of water or a small package of juice and Meiqi who shared her little treats with her, sliced pieces of apples, sometimes decorated by the peel looking like bunny ears, offering her sips from her bottle of smoothies or drinks that were all tasting too well to be bought in just any convenience store around the corner. Yamy who was running around in the hand me downs of her big brothers, overused jeans and oversized tees, her hair always messily tied up at the back of her head or secured by a cap and Meiqi who was always dressed in neat and proper dresses, looking all adorable in soft cream hues and light pink shades, little bows decorating her perfect buns or ribbons braided into her silky strands of hair, the whole image of a little princess who didn’t even care about her dresses getting dirty and stained.  
Even back then, she now realized with a smile, she had taken a liking to spoiling this little princess to all of her abilities. Meiqi would hand her the lunch box with apple slices and Yamy would be the one feeding her, Meiqi would run to her with soap bubbles and Yamy would be the one to blow them into the air, watching as the other was dancing through them, showing off what she had learnt in her latest ballet class, delicate steps despite such clumsy age while those little sheer balls were reflecting light in the most beautiful ways while they were flying around as if to accompany this one beautiful child.  
It was easy to remember how Meiqi had looked back then, all sweet and innocent, all childish and pretty, the kind of daughter everyone would compliment, everyone knowing she’d grow up to become one of the most beautiful people they knew and all that only because she had all those pictures hung up on her wall, fairy lights she had bought back in middle school, hung up across the walls of her rooms and every other week one more picture would be clasped to it with a pin. Old pictures of their childhood, days in which Yamy remembered Meiqi rushing over to her, waving papers that turned out to be their photographs, the ones her nanny had been forced to take, each and everyone developed twice she had said with a bright smile so both of them could keep one each, the pack she held the present for her and all of them had been stored neatly, put into a box as child, into albums, hung up on her fairy lights, making sure they were never exposed to the sun for too long and hence the colors fade out.   
Later it had been polaroids, more and more of them decorating her bedroom, her living room, pinned to her fridge, spread all across the apartment that was hers alone, and whenever they met she’d get to add another one, one by one filling up her rooms, sometimes one a day, until they became less one by one, less taken, less added, yet all she saw each and everyday was Meiqi’s face all around her home, as if to so painfully remind her what she should have realized all her life long.  
She should have realized when they were entering secondary school, somehow they had managed to attend the same middle and high school but it was a painful memory of how their worlds had been all that different. It wasn’t as if they had entered there for the same reasons, it would have been impossible, it was bound to be realized with time, the very fact that Meiqi had been accepted merely because she was able to afford the educational fee, paying everything with such an ease as if money was actually growing on trees, as if her family was harvesting gold instead of vegetables, she was a beautiful angel with all doors on earth open for her, she had the visuals, she had the funds, she had the charisma. So very unlike Yamy who had always worked her ass off in school just so he could be able to apply for scholarship in this school that was like the forbidden fruit for her, spending sleepless nights just to keep up with the high demands, keep her grades top tier, never once allowing herself to slack off and expose how she was no natural talent, that she was ditching her own resting time just to be able to spend an afternoon with her beloved childhood friend, pinching her thighs in class to not fall asleep, using the vending machine as excuse to run down hallways in her breaks to keep her spirits up when in first place she wasn’t even able to afford any of those expensive drinks so she came back to class empty handed after all.  
It wasn’t even as if anyone would even notice, she had needed to face such reality quite soon, in a school where everyone was bathing in money, could afford taking baths in champagne and caviar, Yamy was an outsider, someone who had to work harder than anyone else, someone who didn’t wear expensive Jimmy Choos but run down sneakers to her uniform skirt. For weeks she had worn a uniform that came with scholarship, not a new one, but one of those given as charity by former students, until Meiqi had suddenly handed her a bag with a whole set for herself, a jacket, some skirts, several blouses to change, and for the first time she had seen just how pitiful she must be.  
Not because her closest friend pitied her, she was not able to harbor any of such negative ideas of anyone, but just how miserable she must have been all on her own, running after a girl that was too good for her out of love that had bloomed too soon, bearing with all those people looking down at her because she wasn’t born high, gossipping behind her back because her backpack was old and had been used by her brothers before and wasn’t the latest model of Gucci or Prada and it only became worse when one day she showed up with a bag from Louis Vuitton, not even knowing just expensive it must have been and she wanted to leave it at home, honor it, but the day she came back with her usual backpack and saw Meiqi’s sad puppy eyes, the ones that worried whether she had chosen the wrong present after all, she decided to just deal with it all on her own, smiling softly as she caressed perfectly groomed black strands, promising she’ll wear it again tomorrow because she really likes it after. Because she liked everything Meiqi had ever given her.  
Although it was becoming more and more obvious with every passing week, just how oddly they looked at their friendship, Meiqi, the school’s bright star, friends with all the most influential people, always hanging with the kids ruling this school, part of several clubs, wearing only the newest shoes and most expensive earrings and bags that weren’t even for sale yet, and it was all so natural, sitting with her group at lunch time and being the center of attention, and Yamy, the nerd, the know-it-all, not friends with any of those snobby children too good for her, not part of any club because she didn’t have the time for it, not arriving to school in any of those fancy cars with a driver behind the steering wheel but needing to travel across the city for an hour or more using public transportation. Meiqi sitting down opposite her, in the furthest corner of the cafeteria, in the seat that was demanding the least amount of attention, reading books or listening to music, writing rap to music that was melting her ears, delivering some cake that probably cost more than the lunch she had bought on the way in a convenience store or bakery or anywhere cheap, and suddenly all eyes would be on them, wondering why this strange and poor girl made the school’s number one smile so brightly, laugh out so loud, why she was always so eager to get attention, and it backfired so very much.  
Day by day she had carried that weight on her shoulder, malicious comments that were getting louder, more direct, more obvious, how that bag, that charm, that watch, how all of it was too expensive to be worn by a person like her, how she was too dull, too normal, too bland for Meiqi to spend time with her, the worst of them being that she must be affiliated to that family to even be allowed into this school when it was her name always standing on top of test announcements, getting full marks on homeworks and essays, always knowing the answers to a teacher’s question. But quitting in the middle was harder than walking until the finish line so she went ahead, music blown louder into her ears when crossing hallways, laughter brighter when she met Meiqi, little touches, fingers brushing against when passing each other on the hallway, it were her little motivations, her source of energy to keep going, keep walking on and finish it all. Because she was doing it thanks to having decided to run after a girl too good for her all on her own.  
The day she had finished school and graduated from that hell of a place, she had felt as if the weight of the world had been lifted off her shoulders, like Atlas released from his duty of keeping the heaven’s tent up high and resting on his hands once Hercules showed up to relieve the pressure for the shortest amount of time and then it went all wrong too soon again.  
A party she could remember too well for all the several reasons, because it had been Meiqi who had taken her along, because it had been the first time she had seen her home, a house that was more like a castle, a place in which she would get lost if it weren’t for her best friend the guide, seeing the amount of dresses and clothes within her wardrobe that might have been bigger than her own bedroom, all the many outfits, bought at the expense that was worth more than her own life, and she was able to ignore the sickness in her stomach about the huge difference between their lives because there had been sparkling eyes and bright smiles and hands busy looking for something for her to wear and look good in, slender digits tending her face, skincare worth so much she could feel the difference the moment it touched her skin, music coming from speakers sparkling gold in the sunlight while she felt product after product covering her flesh and cover up all her flaws until she was allowed to look into the mirror and couldn’t recognize herself anymore because Meiqi was an angel able to work magic and turn an ugly duckling into a beautiful swan. A swan that only was able to roam for a night before it was kicked back into its muddy pond taking shape by a drink poured over her head in the garden of a huge mansion the very moment she had been left alone by the girl that had dyed her hair golden blonde as if to show off further just how unfit to be human she actually was. Taking shape in loud laughter and evil snickers and her best friend coming back with the most startled expression so all Yamy could do was smile softly and say she must have run into them so she’d rather head back home now and wash it all off, still hearing snickers and laughter as she left the scene, crying black tears as she was sitting in the bus back home and crying for the first ever since she had decided to attend this high school for the sake of a girl that had snatched her heart too young.  
She should have realized when entering the same university, not because she was running after Meiqi again, not only, but because it had also been one of the best she could’ve been admitted into, because it had offered a scholarship to her she hadn’t been able to turn down because in the end it would be the best option to actually land a nice job and maybe be able to one day afford something more exclusive for herself too. Times between them were cut short, not meeting in hallways, not attending classes at the same time, Meiqi still busy with her various clubs and Yamy focused on her studies too well, spending her free hours with her best friend whenever she was able to, forgetting all about numbers and maths and accounting and management while listening to an angel laugh and stars shining within beautiful orbs, and the realization came one day all of a sudden, when dragged into an too expensive shop, Meiqi greeted as if she stopped by everyday because she was wearing clothes befit of such interior while they didn’t even pay attention to her, not good enough, not with a credit card that would allow her to pay all these things. It was when seeing red roses turned into shimmery lipstick being spread across the smoothness of that princess’ lips that she was in too deep, that she had been running after this girl not because of childish admiration but because there had been roses blooming within her own chest, sudden thoughts of how those lips would feel against hers, what it would be like kissing her, to hold her close and when ethereal eyes had been directed at hers, asking about whether the color looked good or not, it was her dashing off without any further word, because the realization was too much, too strong, thorns digging into her heart, ripping it apart, spilling red in the color of that lipstick painting beautiful petals.  
She should have realized when she had first seen Meiqi with another person, not a stranger, not a friend, hands held tight, arms linked, a beautiful slender frame carried around piggyback by a guy that must have been of equal standing to her for he treated her so casually, for he looked too good to be a person like her or friends within her neighborhood, for she always posted pictures of places too grand and too exquisite to be afforded by standard salary. It was when more and more often she’d drag herself into bars and clubs, getting drunk on her own, spending what little she money had to spare and ending up in foreign beds, amidst messy sheets, surrounded by sweet scents that could never be as sweet and indulgent as Meiqi’s was after all, greeted by women more or less beautiful but all kind and treating her well, hoping for more while Yamy just felt sick, saying it was a hangover when she knew it were thorns digging into her heart again, feeling as if she had cheated on her best friend when she never had been hers to begin with, no stranger heart gifted to her, no night shared in the same bed, no kiss tasting like that strawberry milk she loved so much or whispers that would smell of the chocolate she loved so much breathed into her ear when all huddled up on the couch together while watching sappy movies. Because she had been running after an angel all her life long, an angel that was a superior being in her eyes when she was also just a human with a beating hard, needing to breath, to drink, to eat, because she had bit by bit and day by day given her heart to this person she loved most and spent all her free time with, a being that was the center of attention wherever she went, as if she was an idol or celebrity, a star shining bright amidst others in the dark of the night sky and Yamy was like an evening star, looking for the far light that shined down upon her, yearning for her from her hiding in the shadows behind moonlight, hidden desires and cravings of love and just wishing to feel close to her in ways that were more intense than mere friendship at least once.  
They weren’t part of the same world, it was once more realized by that hurting heart of hers when she had moved into her own place, decorated in all the simple colors so those pictures hung up would stand out all the more, illuminated by fairy lights in the darkness off the light as if to tell tales of how Meiqi was like a star shining bright in the wideness of heaven’s tent, no matter her friends visiting to ask about who it was on those pictures, the blonde, the redhead, the black haired, to ask which ones were the newest, figuring out how there was a timeline, the pictures depicting little children starting above her bed until a half hung string swaying above her TV signaled the end of their story so far, a string that hadn’t been updated for months now. Work time and projects and how fast she had been promoted ever since she had started within that company, business trips and appointments and board meetings, they all had been her excuses as to why she had no time to meet with Meiqi, their interactions coming down to hour-long phone calls every other day, messages exchanged in the mornings, in trains, during breaks, on the way home, in the evenings, sweet little moments that were never be enough to satisfy her but all too much to allow her feelings to die down. Was realized as she turned on the TV with pizza on her plate, staring at the screen as the newest kinds of gossip passed by, that idol involved in a scandal, that foreign actor marrying, a local conglomerate’s daughter seen at an event with another company’s son, and it was the last update that didn’t show just anyone but the princess of her childhood, hunger dissipating in less than a second and the less than half eaten slice of pizza left on the couch table as she went to bed, crying ugly tears into her pillow for the second time of her life because Meiqi was a shining star that was too far away, out of her reach and never to be hers, too bright to be owned by her, their worlds too different to ever become one and it hurt, it just hurt, because she had kept running after her for so many years of her life with no desire to regret any of those moments she had spent hearing such beautiful laughter and seen the joy of life in bright eyes and how her heart had beaten heavily whenever it happened.  
She should have realized before an evening that had passed too quickly, the last of sunrays shining into her room, sitting in the kitchen, feet perched on her window sill, laptop on her thighs, trying to finish a project for work she had been put in charge of and it would have been only to be celebrated if she didn’t need to finish concepts and calculations before the first official meeting, something she would have easily been able to, fingers rushing across the keyboard, iced coffee sipped through a straw, music silently playing from her kitchen counter where her speakers had been place, if only it hadn’t been for the sound of her doorbell, no more sun rays smiling down at her work, shadows of night and silvery moonlight accompanied her abandoning her work and heading for the door. There was no one to be expected, no friends that would just show up without prior note, no family members that knew her address, and the only person Yamy would have never expected to show up was right in front of her, dressed in creamy white and lips painted like liquid roses and instead of a greeting a lithe body was up against hers, making her stumble back with the outside world locked out once again, smooth lips tasting like chemicals of cosmetics pressed against hers and smooth skin beneath her digits with clothes lost somewhere on the floor and messed up sheets in deep red color that made porcelain flesh stand out the more and sweat making two bodies glisten and sleepiness overcoming them eventually.  
It was the most painful moment of her life when waking up and being able to look at the most beautiful face she had ever known, with silvery brown strands of hair making her look young and innocent, spots of skin dyed in purple and red and yellow and standing out like a purple rose amidst an arrangement of lilies and it hurt not because she regretted any of it but because she knew it would never happen again, had tasted the alcohol on her tongue and seen the heartbreak in her eyes and heard unspoken words about how she had been her last escape and the best way to lose her mind and not think of her own pain and Yamy had let it all happen despite knowing what it meant for her heart because she was not able to turn her down, because she had always spoiled her and treated her like a princess only deserving the best in the world, deserving all the things she received and that her poor hands could never reach her and she should have realized sooner, that her own feelings would be her downfall and once a day like this would come, in which she woke up next to the person who had stolen her heart in early days already, she would be entirely lost, drowning in her own desire and hurt because their worlds were too far apart and all she could do now was cherish these last few seconds before they were gone, gently caressing smooth skin with makeup that was still flawless despite all that had happened, smooth to her touch as she stroked her cheek with her thumb, down to her lips, a chaste kiss before she broke the moment all on her own and sneaked out of bed. Because she had been chasing after Meiqi all her life long and the day their roles were reversed it was too painful to bear because it would be nothing but an illusion lasting for a night and broken by the light of the day because Meiqi was a star shining bright and Yamy was an evening primrose that was only allowed to let her desires bloom freely under the guard of the moon.  
And she should have realized because the moment she was turned down, her heart would shatter into pieces with roses wilted and thorns gone dull so she was not allowed to give in to an illusion of her being anything but a good friend and a last escape as long as she wasn’t able to only give her the best of the best and present her heart to an angel while knowing it would be accepted by loving hands and embraced by wings but not drowned in cocktails and shots and used as pillow to rest on until wings had come back and an angel would fly off to find its way back to its original place that was so far, far away. So Yamy kept chasing after her because she had lost her heart too young. And she kept running away because rejection was more dreadful and more intimidating and more feared than any unrequited love could ever be painful. Because living with thorns digging into her heart and ripping it apart was easier to bear than broken shards laying useless within the confinement of her chest. Because chasing after an angel roaming skies was easier than watching an empty world with no shining lights, too dull and too little color without a brightly shining start to illuminate her path.

**Author's Note:**

> @ruiqisgf told me to end it like this  
> reach me on @meilovemeiqi


End file.
